How do you deal with losing someone you love?

One often encounters depression upon loss of a loved one, whether it be severing of a relationship or losing someone to death. In these distressful times, ones thoughts often turn to inflicting self-harm or committing suicide. One should realize that that would not benefit him or the loved one in any way. Rather it would bring about even more grief and sorrow to those who love him. During such times, one will encounter difficulty and will often lose focus during work. One may even find himself becoming a failure at what he previously used to be the best at.

To approach the question, how to deal with losing someone you love. Well I don't know. I still haven't been able to cope with my father's death. I often relapse into depression thinking about all the times that I regret having behaved inappropriately, causing embarassment to my father. I often also think how much I miss him. Heck, tears still flow from my eyes from time to time.

So really, though I am publishing this post, I must confess I truly cannot say how to deal with losing someone you love.

Someone told me that the pain feels like an open wound right after the loss but with time feels like a scab or a scar. Unfortunately, that is not in my case. If anything, I have felt the pain intensify with time. Certainly, I may think of my father less often, but when I do, I am overcome with feelings of grief. So it is wrong for me to assume any ability to provide some effective advice based on my experience.

I also heard that to cope with the pain, you should remember the good times and cherish them. Now I may sound ungrateful, but the good times merely bring more regret into my heart for the simple reason that there weren't enough of them.

Earlier, as I had thought about this, I put as one of the points, to realize that one is not alone in facing this. This same situation has been faced by many others. When someone is facing such depressing thoughts, they should talk about it to someone. Upon introspection, I would say that this is effective but to a limited extent. I have yet to figure out what would help cope on a more longer term but I would certainly recommend leaning on ones circle of friends or family for support during such times for as long as need be - even if be longer than a year.

There is one thing that I would mention. We all have our own virtual lives that we think about, where we fantasize ourselves to be the best. We may often retreat to these virtual lives when faced with such bereavement. Though living in a virtual reality can be dangerous, we all need it sometimes to be able to recharge us or enable to us face the true and harsh reality that awaits us. So if you do feel like retreating to your own little world that exists in your mind, do so. If you find you like watching movies and imagining yourself as the protagonist, do so. The key is to be able to cope with loss. This may take various forms and this is definitely benign by most accounts.

Remember, there is no easy answer to how to deal with loss of a loved one. However, as we live our lives, we have to find an answer to preserve our sanity.

A son's love

Here is a poem that I wrote to express my feelings.

A son's love:

As I came into this world,
With the atmosphere upon me hurled,
Along came you and Mom as pillars of light
To stand against all evil in a fight.

Countless gifts did you bestow upon me,
Even now I treasure them as I love thee.
The beauty of Islam as you raised me to be,
And life in this transient world as a man free.

Now Allah has chosen you for a martyr's honour,
Leaving in this world many a mourner.
Yet we hope to remain steadfast,
To live in the present and not dwell upon the past.

Yet the heart cries and tears flow,
And time seems to run so slow.
Life seems like a withered flower,
And my body seems depleted of power.

You will remain in my heart for verily you were truthful,
And I hope all our du`as for you become fruitful.
I shall turn to the Quran during this test,
For verily in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find rest.

Your shahaadah has made me realize,
What a calamity in the Prophet's death lies(sallallahu alayhe wasallam)
I now pray that Allah may take,
You to be loved by everyone, for His Sake.

O Allah! Have mercy upon my father for he raised me while I was young.
Many a times has he, your slave, between life and death, hung.
Accept your slave's du`a and forgive his sins,
And do not let him in the barzakh wince.

O Allah! Enter him into the best part of Paradise,
And let him gaze upon Your Noble Face many times.
O Allah make his grave spacious and fill it with light,
And give me the strength to pray for him day and night.